Let's Talk about Sex.

Yet another study strengthens the case for traditional families, but will our sex-obsessed society take notice?

Dr. Laura had it right in describing the rise of sex as a commodity. You cannot escape it, and it is permissible everywhere except, apparently, in a committed marriage. I read a 'Dear Abby" column in the paper yesterday in which a reader wrote a response to a question from a lonely husband: "I do all these nice things for my wife, and she still won't have sex with me! What can I do?"

The response? Stop pressuring your wife and being so selfish. The responder's husband also is guilty of planning numerous romantic dinners and occasions in the expectation that fun will ensue. Not so, says the responder: he should stop expecting and start merely hoping, but oh, keep up the romanticism. "Remember," she writes, "it's about what you are giving, not getting." Well, news flash - she's not giving, so he's not getting. What more does he have to give? The columnist agreed with the responder (of course).

But these days, sex outside of marriage is sacrosanct and not to be tampered with, under any circumstances. This article is astonishing in that it seems to take the men's side, yet refuses to condemn the culture of casual sex which led to the dilemma.

"And yes, sure, you can say a man doesn’t have sex if he doesn’t want a
child…but let’s discuss this as if we’re living in the real world, ‘kay?"

This is the weakest argument in the world, similar to the one used to justify giving birth control to pre-teens: "They're doing it anyway, shouldn't it be safe?" This view is defeatist, in that it assumes that we don't have the power to change society or impact our kids' development. Similar platitudes are used to advocate legalized drugs. Anyone who uses this argument has abandoned principles and ushered society to the dung heap. Sure, kids are going to have sex and people are going to do drugs, but we should not give up the fight to safeguard our principles and values.

Sex is a wonderful thing and a necessary part of marriage. It is also a profound expression of love, particularly for us guys. How many women complain that their man turns into a zombie afterwards? Ever consider that maybe we do because we've just given so much of ourselves, not just physically, but emotionally as well? I think the idea that men can have sex without emotion is a bunch of garbage, meant to blunt the empty feeling that results from casual sex. I think Dr. Laura is unique in advising couples to be each other's lovers as well as spouses. Most advice columnists and therapists give the authority to the woman to decide, and the man awaits her whim, often with the admonition that 'sex isn't that important to the relationship.' Then it must be okay for the man to look for sex elsewhere, isn't it? Give me a break!

Max Lucado had a wonderful sermon series called "Pure Sex." It's about this wonderful gift we've been given, and how to use it according to God's will. You can find it on iTunes, and I highly recommend it.

So what does all this mean? We need to continue to combat the sexualization of our culture. Teach our kids that sex outside of marriage is wrong, and encourage them to wait, no matter what the world around them says. After all, can you really trust a world that says wanting casual sex with strangers is OK, yet wanting it from your spouse is selfishness?

Veteran's Day.

"The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh month..."

Those words describe the time of the signing of the Armistice between Germany and the Allied Powers in 1918, marking the end of what was called "The war to end all wars." In 1926, Congress marked the day by resolving that the President proclaim that the flag will be flown on all government buildings that day; in 1938, Congress recognized Armistice Day as a legal holiday, honoring veterans of the World War.

War came again.

In 1954, fresh from WWII and Korea, Congress amended the Act of 1938 to honor American veterans of all wars.

" On that day let us solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those
who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to
preserve our heritage of freedom, and let us reconsecrate ourselves to the task
of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in
vain."

All of us have been touched by a veteran in some way. In my case, it is through family. My paternal Grandfather's brother served in Patton's 3rd Army during WWII. My maternal Grandfather served in the Army Corps of Engineers in Korea. My brother-in-law is currently serving in Iraq.

I'm proud that these men, and all others like them, answered their county's call in her time of need. I'm grateful for what they did and are doing to ensure that I have the freedom to write, and you, the freedom to read.

God bless our veterans, past and present.

Veteran's Day History.

Link to image source.

Helicopter Parents.

If you supervise teenagers, as I do on occasion, then you've surely run into this creature. Mom or Dad will call in for the kid when he doesn't feel like working, or will call in righteous indignation when Junior is written up for failing to do his job properly. My favorite is, "Sissy isn't coming to work today or tomorrow because we have important family activities planned."

The phenomenon has really drawn attention at college campuses. Professors dread the harangue of the indignant parent who demands that their chick and child receive a better grade from Dr. Scrooge. It doesn't matter that Buffy never came to class; that's not her fault! The class is too early, she has important extra-curricular activities, etc.

A new study even lauds such behavior as helping the kids get more out of the college experience. I always thought the college experience was to be independent and get away from home.

"Though excessive contact with parents might inhibit learning and development,
students in frequent contact with their parents are more satisfied with their
college experience, according to the new survey."

Notice how the effect on grades is secondary to satisfaction with the college experience. I find myself now in sympathy with my Roman History professor who refused to end any class session even a minute early because we were paying for it. If you're going to spend $20,000 a year on an education, shouldn't good grades be a priority over "the college experience?" These parent's are harming more than the kids' grades, however:

"we should tell them by words and deeds that it's OK to fail."

That's exactly what these kids are not learning. By having Mommy and Daddy ride to the rescue in any situation, they will not know how to deal with adversity on their own until it's too late. One cannot learn from one's mistakes unless one is allowed to face the consequences. Sooner or later these kids will have to deal with the real world in which things will be demanded of them, which no one can smooth over for them. Parents need to sever the cord and let their kids stumble on their own once in a while. That's how you mold children into adults.

Update: I suppose there are alternatives to being a helicopter parent. Sheesh.

Fall Space Day.

I took my oldest son to Purdue University today for their annual Fall Space Day. It's a day for kids in grades 3-8 to meet a real astronaut and do activities that teach them about some of the problems and principles of spaceflight. It's a long day, but the kids enjoy it. As a parent, I enjoy watching my son work with the other kids on the various activities. All of them involve some sort of challenge to overcome, such as designing a capsule to protect an egg 'astronaut.' The capsule is then dropped from a second story window to determine its effectiveness. Suffice it to say, I would not want to be an astronaut on this day!

Today my son got to make a rocket from a drinking straw, design a structure to protect a potato chip 'astronaut' from a meteor impact, and launch styrofoam and toothpick satellite components using balloon rockets. The last activity was interesting because the kids had to 'pay' for their components and rockets, as well as each launch. The winning group was the one that got all their components into orbit for the least amount of money.

The kids also get their picture taken with the astronaut speaker, and a goody bag with the astronaut's autograph. A good day, a good father-son outing.

Link to image source.

Dilemma for the Modern Man.

I came across this post while surfing on Blog Explosion. I agreed with most of it, because the author feels as I do, that kids should be raised by two parents who are married. However, I was saddened by the thought that single men today might actually be considering giving up the joys of marriage and fatherhood out of fear of divorce.

I agree that marriage and having kids is not something to be done lightly, but at the same time, if you wait until conditions are perfect, you'll never get there. You cannot perform Due Diligence on a prospective spouse and be 100% sure that the marriage will work. Marriage is a life-long process that is rarely perfect. There are bumps in the road, and it takes a team effort to keep the car on course.

But, both of you can and should talk about marriage and what it means to you before you tie the knot. Better yet, speak to your pastor or a Christian counselor who can help you understand what God wants from a man and woman who have committed their lives to each other. If you cannot do those things, then I'd recommend you at least read Dr. Laura. She's wonderful.

As I said in the comment to the post, and here before, the state of affairs today which would drive men away from marriage is due to the rise of radical feminism. All is not lost, however. There are many women who still believe that men have value, and understand that we each have a role.

Couple Caught Cheating: With Each Other!

Another story indicative of the sad state of marriage in our world today. It also illustrates the pervasiveness of the self serving idea that marriage is a means to satisfy ones needs.

A couple in Bosnia are divorcing after both of them struck up a relationship online with other people. They knew their online paramours only by their internet 'handles,' and were in for a rude awakening when each agreed to meet in person.

They arrived at the designated meeting point only to discover that their newly-found "soul mate" was none other than their spouse! Both have now filed for divorce, each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

Once the fog of irony subsides, however, this story illustrates a point I've made before. Marriage is a joint commitment, the success of which depends on the willingness of each party to sacrifice for the other. Too often men and women expect the other to be the first to sacrifice, thereby causing a stalemate in which neither will budge. This insistence on "I'll do this for you if you do this for me," which is touted by advice columnists everywhere is the height of selfishness. A better attitude is "I'll do this for you because I love you, whether or not I get anything for it."

I wonder if this couple could not have saved their marriage by putting each other first, instead of looking for their own satisfaction elsewhere. Alas, too many people in an unhappy marriage look elsewhere for the problem, when in fact the problem most likely resides in themselves.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown.

It's Wednesday, so it's time for something light.

Meet Molly, our family's faithful companion, or benevolent dictator (depending on your point of view). We adopted her from the Humane Society 9 years ago because they said she had "great personality." We named her Molly Brown because at that time we were somewhat enamored of the movie Titanic. The name certainly fits.

While she's not too mean to sink (as the real Molly Brown's husband said about her when he learned that she had survived the sinking), she is unlike any cat I've ever known. She chatters at birds, begs at the table like a dog (she even chases her tail), and hates other cats. She is wonderfully patient with the kids, and has survived three grasping toddlers with unusual grace. I am not her favorite person (she's actually Alicia's cat), but she does occasionally acknowledge my existence by demanding to be fed.

Oh, and don't let the modest act fool you; she's anything but.

News Flash: Boys and Girls are Different.

Science proves yet again what any fifth grader can tell you - there's a fundamental difference between boys and girls.

When are liberal feminists and their supporters going to realize that there are inherent differences in men and women that cannot be changed and exist for our benefit? I'm a man, so naturally I've never been a fan of the modern feminist movement, but not because I'm a chauvinist pig. I grew up in a single-parent home after my parents divorced, and I witnessed the strength of women first hand through my mother; no one needs to convince me of the strength of women.

But constantly ridiculing men and deeming them unnecessary, as the modern feminists do, is harmful to women as well as men. Modern women (and girls) are taught by the feminists that they have control over their bodies, but at the same time are discouraged from exercising that control. If you're pro-life you are anti-woman, and if you preach abstinence you are imposing your morality on someone. Feminists neglect to inform women that just because they can do something, doesn't mean that they have to do it. There's no real choice offered by feminism, it's their way or no way.

The damage to men is even more devastating. Liberal feminist polices have replaced the father with the welfare check. It's no wonder that young men, particularly minorities, have no sense of responsibility to the children they father or the women they impregnate. Feminism has taught us that the women don't need the men to take care of them, all they need do is hand over their money, and the state will take care of the rest. The result is a generation of fatherless boys who will never know what it means to be a man. Feminism has made them into involuntary Peter Pans.

The other way in which feminism hurts men is devaluing time-honored concepts of manliness; courage, strength, provision. Men are told that their physical attributes are an anachronism, an evolutionary hold-over form a bygone day, when men men had to hunt while women raised the babies. now, thanks to abortion and the government, women need not be concerned with raising babies and can hunt for themselves. With no need to exercise the muscles of courage, provision, and strength, men have let them atrophy. Witness the popularity of TV sitcoms such as Everybody Loves Raymond and The King of Queens. Television families are headed by blundering, befuddled guys constantly getting into trouble and being rescued by their steady-handed wives. It's I Love Lucy reversed.

Men and women are different. Alexis de Tocqueville remarked that though women in America (ca. 1830) seemed to be held prisoner in the home, in reality they had made a willing sacrifice for the good of society. They made a choice. Tocqueville also pointed out that some people wanted to push for total equality between men and women, as in making them the same. he predicted that if this ever occurred, the result would be weak men and immodest women.

Matthew Rager Update.

If you've read this blog for a while, you'll remember the story of the little boy with a brain tumor that I found at Michelle Malkin's website. I've been following his story at Caring Bridge, and I thought I'd update all of you on his progress.

Matthew's tumor was discovered when he had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. He had surgery to remove the tumor, but the pathology report has proved problematic. The pathologists determined that the tumor was malignant (what they call a 'high-grade' glioma, or cancerous brain cells), but they have not been able to determine what exact type of brain cell it is. The family is now in Houston, where Matthew is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy treatment.

My heart goes out to them, and it's a joy to see how strong they are in their faith. Their other son has had a history of seizure s, but has not had one since Matthew's ordeal began. If anyone needs proof that God doesn't throw more at us than we can handle with his help, then there it is. The Ragers are an inspiration to me because of their faith and courage in trying to maintain as normal a life as they can at their home away from home.

Matthew also touches me because when I look at his pictures I'm reminded of my oldest son. They both have the same joy on their faces, in spite of what they must endure. My son has an Autism Spectrum disorder as well as a brain tumor. Thankfully, my son's tumor is not malignant, but it's location in his brain means it would be inoperable if it became so. He must have an MRI every nine months or so to monitor the status of the tumor. Yet like Matthew, my son has that same joy of life and of other people. Matthew's parents have remarked that Matthew is always more concerned one of their Caring Bridge friends that with himself. My son is the same way.

I spent a lot of my youth in the children's hospital undergoing surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate. That's nothing compared to what some kids go through, and I met many who had terminal cancer or otherwise untreatable or difficult to treat conditions. I'm amazed at the resiliency these kids display in the face of situations that would cow most adults. Indeed, I've seen adults whine and moan about going to the dentist more than kids who have had multiple open heart surgeries.

Please take time to pray for Matthew and his family, and for my son as well. His name is Josh. Pray for their doctors and nurses, and pray for them to be healed. With God, nothing is impossible.

Image from Matthew's CaringBridge album.

Parenting.

This piece appeared in the Indianapolis Star's free tabloid, INtake. It's supposed to be a publication for the young and hip to find out what goes on in Indy. Most of them are quickly disabused when they find out that what goes on is not much. This is evident from the tone of some of the departing columnists, who lament that Indy never lived up to their expectations. However, I like Indianapolis, and in this space, that's all that matters.

But the above mentioned article astounded me and had me fervently hoping that it does not represent the attitude of young parents today. Outrageous Exhibit A:

"And no one can tell you how to decide if it's fair who goes out and who stays
home, and that even though your baby daddy is incredibly sweet you might not be
happy with him all the time."

Firstly, I loathe the term "baby daddy." It implies that the mother is not married to the father (and I don't know if the columnist is or not), which is troubling enough, but it is also demeaning and insulting to those of us who take fatherhood seriously by insinuating irresponsibility.

Secondly, I have a problem with her thinking that their social life should continue as it was before they became parents. She mentions that all her friends are bartenders and musicians; sometimes a life change like having a child necessitates a change in social habits, and yes, maybe even friends.

Becoming a parent is a monumental change and no amount of advice (written or oral) can fully prepare you for the challenges. Ms. Halverson seems to have recognized that part, but she doesn't seem to have grasped that one of the challenges is realizing that you are not your life's focus anymore. Someone rightly described parenting as a full time job, and it is one that is best shared by two people, a mother and a father.

Children are not just possessions or life milestones; they are a commitment in time, effort, and money. You cannot provide the care and guidance they need if you are trying to decide which one of you gets to go clubbing and which one gets to stay home. BOTH should stay home, or if you really want to take a break and go out, hire a baby sitter or enlist friends or family.

It comes down to priorities, and I hope that Ms. Halverson finds out where hers truly lie. But I wonder how far down we are going when more young people think of parenting they way she seems to.

The Shades of Death

My wife and I took a camping trip last weekend, continuing our 'vacation at home.' We went to Shades State Park, about an hour and a half west of Indianapolis. The Shades is a beautiful park on Sugar Creek that offers camping, fishing, nearby canoe rentals, and several very good hiking trails. The forest in the park is primarily oak, beech, poplar and pine. There are many glacial ravines and canyons, and most of the trails require you to either hike up or down these along the stream beds. The forest is extremely dark in the evening and morning, which explains its original name, "The Shades of Death" (hence the title of this post).

We also learned many things on this trip. I had never been camping before, and my wife had not been camping for twenty years, so we both were pretty green. We learned how to start and tend a campfire and how to cook over that fire. We learned how to steer a canoe (and how to tip one over; my boots are still drying out), and how riding a horse really does take buns of steel.

We also learned that we can sit for an entire evening without saying a word, yet feel as close as if we had a deep and meaningful conversation. We learned that there are untold wonders hidden in our state for those who take the time to seek them out, and that the glory of God is revealed in even the smallest spring welling through a crack in a rock face. We learned that the stars are prettiest when viewed from a blanket stretched out on the grass.

We hiked a lot of miles last weekend, climbed many hills and descended many valleys. It was nice to get home and sleep in a real bed, but we're both eager to do it all over again.

A Vacation at Home.

My wife and I are on vacation from work this week. Rather than take a big family trip, we decided to stay home and sample some of the attractions that Indiana has to offer. Today we took the kids for a walk on our downtown canal, and visited the Indiana State Museum. The canal is truly one of Indianapolis' treasures. It winds through downtown, a small piece of the Old world in the heart of the New.

Alicia asked me at one point if it was like Venice; I had to laugh, because as pretty as our little canal is, it can't compare with that jewel of the Adriatic. Both have their charms however, and seem to touch for a brief instant in time at one location. Along our canal there is a stretch where you are walking along between some condos and office buildings, when you suddenly come to an open space with fountains, and an ivy-clad bridge springs across the channel, all overlooked by an old church building. Winding stairs flank the fountains going up to a world that seems apart from the one you are walking in down below.

I told Alicia that it reminded me of my stay in Venice, and how you could walk along a narrow street between tall and ancient buildings; then, you would turn a corner and find yourself in a piazza, paved in cobbles or worn flags, maybe with a statue or a fountain. Sometimes a canal would wind its way into the piazza, but most often there would just be an opening where the road would continue on. You would go through the opening, turn a corner, and the piazza would vanish, and you wondered if for a moment you had not entered into another world, one of timeless beauty, unhurried and unchanging.

Such thoughts went through my mind as I looked on the old church. But like all such places, we had to leave it behind as we walked on, and enjoyed other features of our little canal here in Indy. One of these is the memorial to CA-35, the USS Indianapolis. She was a heavy cruiser that served in the Pacific theater in WWII, and was torpedoed by the Japanese while returning from the delivery of one of the atomic bombs. Of the 1196 men on board, some 800 are believed to have survived the initial attack. They floated in shark-infested waters for days before being spotted and rescued. Only 317 made it home. In honor of their sacrifice, the survivors and our city erected a small memorial to them along the canal.

After the memorial we turned back and headed toward the museum. After a lunch at the cafe, we toured the exhibits and learned some of our state's history. It is not a large museum, but if you're ever in Indianapolis, it's well worth the visit.

We returned home from our little adventure tired but happy, and we promised ourselves that we would make time to go back and maybe take a gondola ride or rent a paddle-boat. Or we may just walk the canal again, hand in hand, sharing the beauty of our city, and catching those small glimpses into that other world where only lovers and dreamers walk.

The First Year.

I'm feeling nostalgic lately, probably because I've been going through our accumulated piles of stuff. I found some old rolls of film and had them developed, and they turned out to be from our first year, when we lived in student housing apartments at the university. They were pictures I took of our oldest son playing in the tiny apartment we called home back then.

One of the pictures in particular struck a chord within me. In it, my wife sat in the little hallway that led from the living room to our bedroom and the bathroom. Our son, who at the time was just starting to walk, was crawling all over her. They both had such joyous smiles on their faces. That was a difficult year for us, but also one I remember fondly, because of the happiness we felt as newlyweds.

We had to deal with such things as finding classmates to babysit for us when we both had classes, we had almost no income besides our work-study jobs, and we had help from family to purchase insurance for Alicia and myself. That winter the boiler in our building broke down, and the regular maintenance guy had a heart attack, so no one came to fix it. There was no heat in the building at all. We took to putting the baby in our bed just so he would be warm at night, a habit which we weren't able to break for the next four years. Then there was the night that I accidentally set the blender on fire trying to warm up a baby bottle, and we had to spend two days in a dorm room while we cleaned fire extinguisher dust off of everything. We had to drive across the river to Kentucky just about every night to get the baby to sleep. Add to this the normal stresses of two college students trying to make the grade; it was quite a year.

But what makes the memories so poignant is seeing how much my wife has changed in the last ten years. She is still gorgeous, nothing will ever change that; but back then she glowed with the radiance of a new bride and a new mom, full of joy and love for me and our son. Now that we're older, I notice how that glow has changed. It is more sophisticated, mature, full of the grace and wisdom that makes the difference between a beautiful girl and a knockout woman.

Ten years separate that year from this one, and I can't ever go back. I'm not sure I would want to, but it's nice to reflect on that first year and watch my lovely wife as she continues to grow and change. The glow will always be there, revealing her inner spirit; the joy comes from seeing what new part will be revealed tomorrow.

A Sultry Morning.

Well, not really, though it is not uncommon in Indiana at this time of year. Today dawned overcast and mild, and the family and I took advantage of it to get out for an early morning walk around the neighborhood before breakfast. I was reminded of the summer days when I was a boy, riding my bike around these same streets in the bright morning sunshine. It always seemed so peaceful then; I loved the quiet after everyone had driven off to work, and before the rest of the world came out of bed.

It's rare that we have a Saturday morning free to do something like that. My wife took some nice pictures, and we all enjoyed the fresh air. As we turned for home, the sun came out and the air started to grow warm. Time for the bacon and eggs.