Christmas Request.

Long time readers of this blog may remember my posts about Matthew Rager. I still follow his story via Caring Bridge, and while Matthew is doing well right now, I would like to pass along a request from his mother regarding one of their Caring Bridge acquaintances:

"There is a little girl named Dasia who has a pontine glioma (tumor on
brain stem) who was hoping to get birthday cards from all 50 states. Her
birthday was Dec. 3rd and her mother posted her birthday hopes on her caring
bridge site. Well I read her update tonight and sadly the little one received
only 3 cards. Here's my favor, do you think we could send her Christmas cards
from all 50 states?
-
I was made aware of this little girl from my online
pediatric brain tumor support group. We are a tight knit group and we will do
all that we can for other kids and parents in need, because we know how it is.
We are all putting this out in cyperspace in hopes that people can send this
beautiful little girl some Christmas greetings. This is her website www.caringbridge.org/visit/dasiaatkinson "

My wife and I are notoriously bad procrastinators when it comes to Christmas Cards, but this time I'm making an exception. So, dear readers, spread the word in the blogosphere and see if we can't get this little girl her Christmas Cards!

Edit: I've clipped Dasia's address from the quote. You can get it by clicking on the Caring Bridge links.

Schools Gone Wild.

First it was teacher/student sex scandals, then birth control for pre-teens, and now this.

"It states: "Displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any
time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the
school and to the persons involved.""

The vagueness of the policy makes it a stretch to think that detention for a hug is an appropriate punishment. Especially since the 'incident' occurred at a football game. It's not an isolated occurrence, either.

""It was made to be something ugly and it wasn't," Muir said.
She says the
hug wasn't meant to be sexual. She says her daughter was consoling a male friend
who recently lost a parent."

It's frightening to think that those who are entrusted with the education of our youth have such poor judgement. There have always been rules against "PDAs" at schools; such rules were designed to prevent excited teenagers from playing tonsil-hockey in the halls and encouraging appropriate behavior. Now the goal is different:

"In 1999, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled schools could be held liable by ignoring
claims of sexual harassment. Some say the ruling puts schools between
a rock and a hard place. By not identifying all suspect behavior, they risk
liability."

Time was when harassment was dealt with by either a slap across the face or the intervention of a gentleman. Some guys wolf-whistled a girl in my high school band class once, and the director went ballistic. In the '70s, a teacher actually slammed a football player against the wall for inappropriately grabbing a girl. Unfortunately, the sexualization of our culture means that such actions are either acceptable or grounds for a lawsuit.

Fear of liability has neutered school officials and robbed them of the capacity to judge for themselves.

Link to image source.

Helicopter Parents.

If you supervise teenagers, as I do on occasion, then you've surely run into this creature. Mom or Dad will call in for the kid when he doesn't feel like working, or will call in righteous indignation when Junior is written up for failing to do his job properly. My favorite is, "Sissy isn't coming to work today or tomorrow because we have important family activities planned."

The phenomenon has really drawn attention at college campuses. Professors dread the harangue of the indignant parent who demands that their chick and child receive a better grade from Dr. Scrooge. It doesn't matter that Buffy never came to class; that's not her fault! The class is too early, she has important extra-curricular activities, etc.

A new study even lauds such behavior as helping the kids get more out of the college experience. I always thought the college experience was to be independent and get away from home.

"Though excessive contact with parents might inhibit learning and development,
students in frequent contact with their parents are more satisfied with their
college experience, according to the new survey."

Notice how the effect on grades is secondary to satisfaction with the college experience. I find myself now in sympathy with my Roman History professor who refused to end any class session even a minute early because we were paying for it. If you're going to spend $20,000 a year on an education, shouldn't good grades be a priority over "the college experience?" These parent's are harming more than the kids' grades, however:

"we should tell them by words and deeds that it's OK to fail."

That's exactly what these kids are not learning. By having Mommy and Daddy ride to the rescue in any situation, they will not know how to deal with adversity on their own until it's too late. One cannot learn from one's mistakes unless one is allowed to face the consequences. Sooner or later these kids will have to deal with the real world in which things will be demanded of them, which no one can smooth over for them. Parents need to sever the cord and let their kids stumble on their own once in a while. That's how you mold children into adults.

Update: I suppose there are alternatives to being a helicopter parent. Sheesh.

Matthew Rager Update.

If you've read this blog for a while, you'll remember the story of the little boy with a brain tumor that I found at Michelle Malkin's website. I've been following his story at Caring Bridge, and I thought I'd update all of you on his progress.

Matthew's tumor was discovered when he had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. He had surgery to remove the tumor, but the pathology report has proved problematic. The pathologists determined that the tumor was malignant (what they call a 'high-grade' glioma, or cancerous brain cells), but they have not been able to determine what exact type of brain cell it is. The family is now in Houston, where Matthew is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy treatment.

My heart goes out to them, and it's a joy to see how strong they are in their faith. Their other son has had a history of seizure s, but has not had one since Matthew's ordeal began. If anyone needs proof that God doesn't throw more at us than we can handle with his help, then there it is. The Ragers are an inspiration to me because of their faith and courage in trying to maintain as normal a life as they can at their home away from home.

Matthew also touches me because when I look at his pictures I'm reminded of my oldest son. They both have the same joy on their faces, in spite of what they must endure. My son has an Autism Spectrum disorder as well as a brain tumor. Thankfully, my son's tumor is not malignant, but it's location in his brain means it would be inoperable if it became so. He must have an MRI every nine months or so to monitor the status of the tumor. Yet like Matthew, my son has that same joy of life and of other people. Matthew's parents have remarked that Matthew is always more concerned one of their Caring Bridge friends that with himself. My son is the same way.

I spent a lot of my youth in the children's hospital undergoing surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate. That's nothing compared to what some kids go through, and I met many who had terminal cancer or otherwise untreatable or difficult to treat conditions. I'm amazed at the resiliency these kids display in the face of situations that would cow most adults. Indeed, I've seen adults whine and moan about going to the dentist more than kids who have had multiple open heart surgeries.

Please take time to pray for Matthew and his family, and for my son as well. His name is Josh. Pray for their doctors and nurses, and pray for them to be healed. With God, nothing is impossible.

Image from Matthew's CaringBridge album.

Parenting.

This piece appeared in the Indianapolis Star's free tabloid, INtake. It's supposed to be a publication for the young and hip to find out what goes on in Indy. Most of them are quickly disabused when they find out that what goes on is not much. This is evident from the tone of some of the departing columnists, who lament that Indy never lived up to their expectations. However, I like Indianapolis, and in this space, that's all that matters.

But the above mentioned article astounded me and had me fervently hoping that it does not represent the attitude of young parents today. Outrageous Exhibit A:

"And no one can tell you how to decide if it's fair who goes out and who stays
home, and that even though your baby daddy is incredibly sweet you might not be
happy with him all the time."

Firstly, I loathe the term "baby daddy." It implies that the mother is not married to the father (and I don't know if the columnist is or not), which is troubling enough, but it is also demeaning and insulting to those of us who take fatherhood seriously by insinuating irresponsibility.

Secondly, I have a problem with her thinking that their social life should continue as it was before they became parents. She mentions that all her friends are bartenders and musicians; sometimes a life change like having a child necessitates a change in social habits, and yes, maybe even friends.

Becoming a parent is a monumental change and no amount of advice (written or oral) can fully prepare you for the challenges. Ms. Halverson seems to have recognized that part, but she doesn't seem to have grasped that one of the challenges is realizing that you are not your life's focus anymore. Someone rightly described parenting as a full time job, and it is one that is best shared by two people, a mother and a father.

Children are not just possessions or life milestones; they are a commitment in time, effort, and money. You cannot provide the care and guidance they need if you are trying to decide which one of you gets to go clubbing and which one gets to stay home. BOTH should stay home, or if you really want to take a break and go out, hire a baby sitter or enlist friends or family.

It comes down to priorities, and I hope that Ms. Halverson finds out where hers truly lie. But I wonder how far down we are going when more young people think of parenting they way she seems to.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

Did you know that Mr. Rogers corrupted a generation of young people and turned them into narcissistic whiners? Yes, friends, the dirty truth is here.

It's sad, really, that this is the first thought that came into the professor's mind. It is indicative of our society today that they look for any outside influence to blame for a problem, instead of looking close to home. These kids feel a sense of entitlement not because of Mr. Rogers, but because their parents (interestingly, probably part of the professor's generation) have made them so. Many parents the last several years have bought into the notion that you are supposed to foster your child's sense of self worth, thereby growing them into strong, confident adults. I think the opposite has happened, because these parents have tried to become their kids' friends and cheerleaders, as well as protecting them from anything unpleasant.

This is a dangerous method of parenting. A parent is the authority figure, responsible for teaching children right from wrong, and peparing them for adulthood. The Bible is very clear on this. In Proverbs it says to teach your child the way he should go, and when he is older he will not turn from it. My children are a joy, and I want them to love me as much as I love them. But I want them to also know that I am the boss. They understand that they don't always get their way, and that though I will provide them with food and shelter, and do my best to protect them from harm, I won't shield them from all unpleasantness, particularly of their own doing. That's what my family did with me; that's how you build a strong and confident adult.

Survey Says...Me First!

That's about what it amounts to these days. The Indianapolis Star ran an interesting AP article this past Sunday reporting on a Pew Research Center survey on marriage and parenting. Essentially, the survey reported that children are less associated with successful marriages than sharing household chores, a good sex life, and faithfulness; children are eighth on the list out of nine. Interestingly, in a similar survey taken 17 years ago, children were third on the list. In addition the recent survey says that a majority of Americans say that the main purpose of marriage is the mutual fulfillment and happiness of adults.

What a sad world we live in.

I've been married for eleven years to a wonderful, beautiful, caring woman. She's the only woman I've ever loved, and the only one I ever will. She can be trying and difficult at times, but I'm no Fred Rogers. She puts up with my hobbies and my mulishness, and I in turn bear her moods and foibles. I'm still as crazy about her as I was in those long-ago days when we sat under the "Magic Tree" (there is a story about this, I'll tell you later) at the University, dreaming about our future together.

This is where I think the respondents of the survey have got it wrong, and are indicative of the 'me first' mind-set that pervades our world today. Too often I see married couples who compete with each other and dangle rewards at each other as incentives to do the other's bidding. In such an atmosphere, the marriage is doomed to fail, I believe, or at the least be unfulfilling. Marriage is a partnership, a commitment to do life with someone. The Bible is very clear that husband and wife are one flesh, that is united into one entity. Not 'she and I' but 'Us.' A subtle, but very important distinction. I do not expect that my wife make me happy; I sacrifice to make her happy, because I love her. Seeing her content and at peace brings me more joy that anything else she could do.

But what about children? Well, I believe that children are God's gift and reward for this commitment. They are a tremendous responsibility, like all of God's gifts; but they are a source of joy as well. I love my children, but I could not raise them without their mother, as she could not raise them without me. They're ours, and on our list, they come first.